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Is It Worth It?

Last week, a friend of mine told me about his problems. Funny, I found it ironic that someone would come for me for advice considering what a mess I am in. But then again, I am unsure if this is normal for guys or its a guy thing.

My friend asks me about, what do you think about "Love"? 

And since I have been talking about unconditional love lately, that was the exact same thing I told him. Love does not just disappear. You may "like" that person and once that person changes, the "like" may disappear. But it is not the case for "Love". There is no reason for "Love". It is just there. 

Even a woman in an abusive relationship may leave her husband, but the "love" may never disappear. It may turn into "Hate" but that is because "Love" is still there. If "love" is not there, there is no "hate", just an empty feeling, nothingness. 

And his response was, "I don't miss her. At all. I just want to break up with her". Immediately, I responded, "That is the easiest way out. Running away from everything. And the most cowardly".

Apparently, his trust for his girlfriend was broken when he caught her texting another guy. When he confronted her, she deleted the messages instead of showing it to him and/or explaining that they were just friends. He realised that he could no longer trust her. 

My advice to him was to take a break and think everything thoroughly. Because of his suppressed anger inside (although he kept denying and saying that he doesn't feel anything), but anger clouds our judgment. We kept telling ourselves that we don't feel anything, this is the end of it because we are all humans and we are afraid of getting hurt. 

Throughout our entire conversation, he kept telling me that he doesn't love her, he cares about her but he doesn't love her anymore. I asked him, "Were you happy with her? Since this is your first girlfriend after being single for 7-8 years?". He nodded.

I asked, "Is that not worth fighting for?". He kept silent.

Today, he thanked me for my advice, and that is the satisfaction I get from helping other people. Most people gives advice not knowing the other side of the story. Most people don't even know the full picture.



I know, you MAY have been in the same situation. But with 7 billion people in the world, I assure you, there is no 2 person in the world who could be exactly alike. Not even twins. How could you advise based on your own experience when other people are in a different relationship?

"Nothing easy is ever worth having. Something worth having, is never easy"


His Point of View (It is the End)

When it began, it was hard for him. Having to deal with someone like me. Despite the countless times I rejected him, he never gave up. He kept pursuing me and won me over with his sincerity and a cheesy line, "I want to give you flowers and hold your hand, I don't want to regret like Bruno Mars".

Fast forward 3 years later. 

The kareshi. Or I say, the ex-kareshi, couldn't find a place in his heart for me. I recalled everything he said. It hurt so bad, I thought I was going to die. 

His point of view:
When I fell in love with you, you were so strong. So much more stronger than I am. When the doors spoiled, I couldn't fix them, but you could. When I couldn't lift certain things, you could. But over the years, you've changed. You rely entirely on me. You weren't the same when I fell in love with you. 

You used to wear high heels. Really beautiful. And you no longer wear them now. You have changed. 

And about us. I used to want to hold your hand, you didn't let me. When you got mad, I hugged you, you pushed me away. Thereafter, we got so used to the silence. Sometimes 3 days. Sometimes a week. And I didn't say anything. I couldn't. Because I remembered 3 years ago, when you haven't accepted me as your boyfriend. I got angry, and you just walked away. You left the shoes I picked for you and you walked away. I couldn't forget that. I was scared of losing you and scared that you would walk away again. At that time, I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't work and I couldn't function. I can't go through that again. Furthermore, I am now in a way different position in my company than 3 years ago. I can't afford to let that happen. There are many people relying on me.

Whenever we go on a vacation, we are not happy. Somehow, little things would make you angry and we are in silence once again. Whenever I see other couples, if they go on a vacation, they are happy. But we are not. This is not the life I wanted. I am sorry I have wasted your 3 years. But I think that it is best if we remained friends.

The end of his point of view.


Our relationship started off one-sided. Where he was deeply in love with me, and I wasn't. I didn't want love. I didn't want a relationship. I was unfair to him. Although I never speak of bad things about him but only of good things about him outside, I have never said good things to him, only bad. 

I was good to him, but I was abusive to him, emotionally. Over the years, he has gotten used to the cold treatment I gave him and eventually his love for me died.

But for me, over the years, I have learned to love him. Despite his many flaws and weaknesses, I loved him. Unconditionally. Eventhough he is forgetful, lazy, or just too overwhelmed with all the games instead of spending time with me, I loved him. Even when I am angry with him, I loved him. There was not one moment where I have stopped loving him. 

Because love is supposed to be unconditional. With no reason. With no fail. And it should have been infinite. Because although people changed everyday, situations change all the time and even the world is changing everyday. The love should have always been the same.

It is true, there should have been a reason to spark an interest, to like someone. But there should not have a reason why you love someone. 

Despite me letting go my ego (in which, I normally wouldn't because I am a very stubborn and prideful person where I would let the fire burn me and never yell for help), I asked him to reconsider. Our 3 years together is not nothing. When there is up, of course there is down. There is no happy all the time. This is Newton's third law. And of course, you wouldn't get to see other couple's unhappy moments because those were supposed to be private, only those couples would know what are the problems in their relationship. But that was the end of it all. It was his decision. 

Despite all that has happened these days, I have not found a moment were my heart has stopped loving him. Unconditionally.


Her Point of View (Warning: Long Story)

I guess many people in a long term relationship will find this situation rather familiar. Whereby both parties are too comfortable with each other that everything is a routine.

Recently, the kareshi and I is in a situation where we don't even talk for more than 10 words a day. (Figuratively speaking). The funny thing is, we are not even in an argument whatsoever. As a person who always listen to other people's relationship problems, my advise is never bring this up to your girl friends. Reason is simple, your friends will always side with you and that will only make things worse. (e.g. words like "he takes you for granted", "he doesn't appreciate you", "you deserve better", so on...)

P/S: Guys, I know that you have your own thinking. Why trouble her with your daily problems or you are just in your thinking-of-nothing-box. But trust me, talk to her before she talks to her friends or worse, another shoulder to cry.

Anyway, I always believe that there is TWO sides to each story. As the kareshi always chooses silence over any heated argument, what other way than telling my side of the story here?

So, here is my point of view:

I remember you used to say "I love you!" every time, in fact, almost everyday. And not because I don't love you, but I think "love" is to come from the heart. From what you feel, not what you say. And after I brought this up, you rarely ever said you love me anymore. I don't deny that you always shower me with gifts, no, expensive gifts. But I want you to know that I would rather trade those gifts with extra alone time with you. Like we used to. I also explained to you why I think that "I love you" are nothing more than just words. Because it felt like, I am never your priority. For example, you never thought when I am coming home late, and it would be dangerous, because you are occupied on your Counter-Strike game which starts at 11p.m.. Everything I do, is because I love you. With my heart. Not because I needed to, not because it was my responsibility. But because I wanted to. Without even asking, I will buy and cook your favourite food, watch and support you play your game, massage your tired back, prepare your breakfast for work, everything is automatic, not requested. And then, there is your birthday. Your birthday is kind of a big deal. But knowing that you already own what you needed and I couldn't afford what you wanted, I try my best to get something you like. Although it is nothing expensive, but I put in effort, or as the chinese saying, "我很用心去做". And that is because, "I Love You".

Secondly, I am sensitive to people implying that I am a gold-digger in any way. Yes, you did not ask me to share your rental and utilities expenses. But I am uncertain if you know that I do spend money on groceries we use, buy you dinner, whatever your necessity is and whatever the house needed even though I do not earn as much as you do. I am not being calculative but I want to make this very clear, because I cannot remember what have I asked from you. You did not need to tell me that "What you want, you shall buy it, what you need, I will buy it". Even on the Krabi trip, I did repay my share of flight tickets, accommodations and daily expenses. I really can't remember what else have I owed you that you would say that to me. Please do remind me if I did owe you anything because I really can't remember. 

When it comes to food, I usually let you decide where or what to eat. Because out of the both of us, you are the more fussy one. But I guess as time passed, you are annoyed having to make all the decisions even though I did not do that dance. What dance? This dance:

Boy: What you want to eat?
Girl: Anything
Boy: Japanese food?
Girl: We had that last week
Boy: Indian food
Girl: Too spicy
Boy: Then what you want to eat?
Girl: Anything

Whatever you chose, I just eat. I don't even complain. Much. Probably. But then again, in Krabi, although I paid my share of daily expenses, I didn't get to choose what I wanted to eat. Because you wanted to share what YOU wanted to eat. This annoyed me a lot. Why? Because everyone else got to eat what they wanted, while I shared what YOU wanted. Anyway, now that it is out, I am past it.

Moving on.

I don't know since when or how it began. 7 days a week, this is the regular routine. Work, dinner, you-on-your-game-game-game (as in, Hearthstone, Counter-Strike, Summoners Wars), urgh, too-tired-after-game, sleep. Repeat. And on weekends. Wake up, lunch, Dungeons & Dragons, dinner, you-on-your-game-game-game, sleep. Repeat. Please note, there is no "Me" in your schedule. Despite you selfless sacrifice on giving up weekends' Dungeons & Dragons activity for "ME", there is still no place for me in your schedule because you merely replaced your Dungeons & Dragons with DotA2. The only difference is you used to play Dungeons & Dragons at your colleagues', while now, I get to look at your back while you play DotA2. I suggested doing what we used to do, playing co-op games together, karaoke, board games, so on. But no. Not even a no, just no response. Maybe your imba-ness is too OP, cannot game with girlfriend. Ok.

Moving on.

You recently said, why is it that you could no longer understand me the way you used to? The truth is, I have always been the way I am. I never interfere your games despite it being 24/7/365. More so if it relates to your work. The one who changed was you. I don't think you even remembered what you promised me on 24 June 2013. 

I am not a difficult person to talk to. I do ask you before I lose my anger. (e.g. Why didn't you answer your phone? Answer: I was playing Dungeon Defenders). I am not being unreasonable, so, why is it that you couldn't talk to me? ElephantBaby once told me that you didn't like the tone I used when I asked you to put the clothes away which were lying on the exact same spot for over 4-5 months. I changed my tone. But the clothes didn't. Yes, I agree, habit takes time. But does it need 4-5 months to move a pile of clothes? Yes, I could have just done it for you, but the next pile takes 6-12 months. Do you agree? I do not want you to take my love for granted. Like it is "理所当然".

I remember you promised that you would take care of me. Why is it that now reversed? Every problem is swept under the carpet because you do not want to have any arguments. Right now, I feel like we are just roommates. Good morning. Good night.

What is your point of view?